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“I would blow it up, but its just not worth the effort.”~
on Monmouth
Monmouth is a small and insignificant town in
on the mouth of the river Dave.
It has has a population of 10 people, 2
called Rolf. It has often been called a "one horse town", the horse's name is flip-flop and he loves . In Monmouth there has been a historical
over where it is
or ... The reality is that neither country wants it...
fears that the Anglo-Welsh border may change at any time and that Monmouth will become part of their country, the Welsh would find it fucking hilarious if this were to happen. The town is famous for it's um... Yea, um... Well, there must be something right?
Well, let me see... Well...
In the 2004
"Crap Towns II: The Nation Decides", Monmouth was disqualified from the final publication since citizens refused to let photographers enter the town since they believe that
"trap your soul". The result originally predicted was a landslide victory for Monmouth, placing just above
as the UK's
Hereford would have also one, but it considers itself to be a city even though its blatantly not. All of its inhabitants are also freaks and not considered to be human, and so therefore it could not win the crappiest town award. Monmouth is situated just above sea level and is therefore a popular tourist destination for the oxygen deprived inbred residents of
at the top of the hill who consider Monmouth the Welsh Riviera due to its glamour and nightlife.
Contents[]
There are many cultural aspects to Monmouth. There is fine dining such as the famous "King Kebab" which is widely known around south Wales for its
and food poisoning.
also passed through Monmouth once... And then left immediately... The people of Monmouth were so delighted that they have even created a
dedicated to him.
The "Monmouth Festival" is the cultural highpoint of the year in Monmouth. It brings people from all over Wales... Further away from Monmouth. The
that have performed there include:
Three Sheep and a Piano
The Monmouth Farting Choir
Mad Will and Chums
Did I mention the Monmouth Farting Choir??
This year, there was a record attendance of 3 people.
One cultural activity which citizens of Monmouth particularly enjoy is fornicating with sheep. This has however produced some very unusual offspring (i.e. The Bishops)... Which probably explains the current state of the town.
In Monmouth, there are 4000
and 500 opticians. Why such deficient ? Why such a
for ?. There ca it's a town of dunk .
Monmouth was founded in 1304 by Mad Will when he was pilled up and decided that it would be
to start a town:
"Fukkkin yeeeeaaah. All thooooose fuckin pigs were fuckin fucked and I fuckin started this town with my own three hands... I fuckin love goats I do.. braaaap!!"
An esteemed public speaker, obviously.
Although Monmouth had tough times to start with, it quickly developed into a flourishing town and even received electricity in 1987. One of the first things that Mad Will did was start a school, since he was so concerned about . Monmouth School was founded in the
by Mad Will, who was then a
of , which is why the citizens of Monmouth are so well spoken. In 1805, Mad Will married Luke 'spooky' Short and became the first
couple in South Wales. The rest of Monmouth remains the same.
During , three bombs landed on Monmouth... Many wish that they had been more.
Henry V was born in Monmouth, although he thoroughly denied it:
"MonWhat? Never heard of it. Look over there! Is that a pigeon?!?! (runs off)"
They say that it was in Monmouth where he developed his
and desire to charge into breaches and kill
people. Most do when they live there for that long.
In more recent years, Monmouth has been seiged by the Chav
of . This army darkness has surrounded the town and built temporary (although it has now become permanent) accommodation in the form of
around the Town borders. The Chav army loots the town on a regular basis,
women and sheep (most find it hard to tell the difference) on their way. As a result, Monmouth has become even
than it was and its supplies of Stella Artois have been exhausted.
There have been 7 ships named HMS Monmouth (one sunk. much like Wonastow Road when it rains a little) which have all travelled the world with the task of telling people not to be stupid enough to visit Monmouth.
The name 'Monmouth' is derived from the Latin 'Monnox', meaning shithole.
The thing about
in Monmouth is that there isn't any.
that are punished are either put in the village stocks, hung, burned alive or . The latter punishment is considered to be a bit of a "slap on the wrist" and enjoyed by some, if not most locals. Citizens become
on occasion and go on mass killing sprees, as happened in the Great Monmouth Witch Hunt of 2003. (unfortunatley 'ole ma Bimbling Short escaped.)
The Monmouth
force consists of one Citroen Saxo and Rolf the . In 2007, Rolf was discharged from the Monmouth police force for smuggling . The Citroen Saxo is currently up on
since the chavs have stolen the alloys.
For those without comedic tastes, the
have an article about .
The Monmouthshire
is a group of incompetent
who believed that putting garlic on the sides of roads would "reduce congestion". The council also planned to remove people from Monmouth all together since it would "preserve the town's history and culture". Citizens do in fact agree that leaving the town is a good idea but did not agree that Monmouth actually has any history or culture.
The rate at which
is carried out in the council is extremely slow... Well it may take a while before sheep develop apposible thumbs. For the moment, the sheep mainly deal with planning requests to which the sheep respond with "baaaah", which is in 99.99999% of cases interpreted as a "no". On top of this, they are not just slow sheep, no they are
Most people who work for the council are part of the
and the . They spend their nights being racist, wearing white gowns and burning crosses (they also have a raffle and a quiz)... And then eat vast amounts of .
There are three schools in Monmouth with a total of two human students in the town, but many thousand crossbreed students with six fingers. The comprehensive school is a
left since they have all been used as Rizla or roach. The principle of education is still unknown in the comprehensive, but it is expected to be discovered by 2028, although possibly as late as 3012 - about the same period of time that the current GCSE students will have learned how to count to ten. Monmouth School will be replaced in 2029 by the world's biggest crack den as part of the town council's redevelopment program. The Girl's School is a school dedicated to the training of
for the South Wales
community. Its boarding houses were used as , however had to be closed down due to a spreading gonorrhoea . The Girl's School is also recognised as the reason electric toothbrushes are banned in girls schools across the country. The rest of the town doesn't have an , in fact most Monmothians can't reach the
"C" in the
without breaking down and
due to their own incompetence, although they can communicate with the local sheep very well, especially after 9 o'clock at night.
of Monmouth is not only complex, it is almost non-existent. The main source of income comes from other towns that pay citizens of Monmouth not to bother them or infect them with the numerous
that they carry. Another historical source of income has been tolls on entering Monmouth, however this has only made the town a total of 53 pence in the last 57 years.
circulates rather rapidly in the town due to the large amount of . One can expect to hold any sum of money, no matter how , for an average of 67 seconds before it is stolen or "confiscated" by one of the fine members of the
Constabulary. This money is of course re-stolen before it can be spent, so businesses find it hard to survive in the Town, then again, most business consist of selling
or renting out sheep for
services so it's not a
Usually the unlucky citizens of Monmouth do not dare leave their
after their
are in their hutches and the light from the
has gone (its not the , the sun doesn't ever shine on Monmouth).
Should they be a -taker, they may leave their farmhouses and use
style tactics (and items to create diversions such as sheep,
and large black ) to avoid the Chav's reigning the streets. This can be an extremely difficult task, having to meander through the streets avoiding the scouting parties of boyracers and the ever threatening Bishy on his pushbike.
The only establishment where Monmouth citizens can really relax after a hard day at "" (thieving gennies from farms and stealing
off roofs) is The 's Head (known to locals as the Queens) which is great for people of all ages. No really. No Joke. Of all ages. They have an ID = NO SERVICE policy where a drinker must provide proof that they don't posses any ID in order to get .
finished by
goers with a trip to Kinky where one can enjoy a lovely , , chicken and chips. They are 100% customer focused, and ensure that their customers only receive the finest serving of
with every meal and organic hand reared
in their garlic . King Kebab is run by a species of remotely humanoid creatures that spend their days abusing customers and
young girls. King Kebab was recently awarded a 1-star food hygiene rating, an impressive feat for the business as hygiene is a concept only introduced to Monmouth a few years ago, when running water was installed for the first time.
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King Henry VIII School Abergavenny (: Ysgol y Brenin Harri VIII) is an English-language
situated in the town of , in the county of , .
Following the
of the 1530s, the
setting up the school were issued on July 24, 1542. By these, tithes assigned to local churches at , , , ,
and belonging previously to the Benedictine priory were now given over to the new school. In addition a much richer prize, the tithes of
which had previously belonged to
priory were now given ober to 's use. Finally the priory chapel of 's was to become the new parish church of Abergavenny and so the redundant church of 's could be used to house the new school.
The monies available from these tithes were to be put into trust controlled by "the bailliffs and commonality", the forerunners of the . It was to provide a
was taught. The new grammar school was named after its benefactor
who also appointed its first headmaster, Richard Oldsworthy. The school when it opened had 26 pupils, all boys aged between 7 and 14.
The first century of the school's life was uneventful and change only came as a result of financial of the financial mismanagement of the local trustees who had leased out the Badgeworth lands for an undervalued rent: when the 99 year lease came to an end in 1664it passed to
who in return provided not only an equal rent but a Fellowship and Scholarship to the college. This began the close connection between the school and the college which not only provided a home for many of its ablest pupils, but also provided the school with its headmasters.
An Act of Parliament in 1760 reorganised the school's governance. Henceforth Jesus College, which had finally gained control of the Gloucester tithes, was responsible for paying the headmaster and his assistant. The Act did have some effect as the old school building was pulled down and replaced on site with the religious tower and fine Georgian master's house which still stands today. By the time of the headmastership of the Reverend William Morgan (1765-75) the school was flourishing with some 70-80 boys.
Change began in the 1870s. The Headmaster, James Webber, reorganised the curriculum, teaching classics, maths, drawing, French, writing, divinity and arithmetic. He built two new classrooms within the confines of St. John's. By 1878, 73 pupils were being taught by 3 masters. By 1887 the charity commissioners had prepared a scheme to create a second grade commercial schoo, on a new site, and it was this proposition that resulted in the the severing of the centuries old links between the school and Jesus College.
The first attempt at reorganisation was the 1891 scheme which proposed the creation of a 200 pupil school on a 9 acre site on Pen-y-pound. Building of the school was delayed by many problems and was not completed until 1898 at a cost of ?6,945. The school at this time was supposed to be a grammar school taking pupils from all over North Monmouthshire with a curriculum of , , , , , , ,
In the 1920s there was new building with three classrooms, a gym and a library. The Old Boys' Association was founded at a meeting on 7th November 1923 and was soon thriving, with branches of the Abergavenny Society in both
and . By 1930 the school had 150 pupils. The new sciences of Physics and Biology were introduced in the period and the increased importance of metalwork and woodwork led to the building of a handicrafts room.
Following Butler's Education Act of 1944,
put forward three options for Abergavenny: boys and girls grammar schools and a sec a co-educational grammar school and a secondary modern school or a multilateral school. All three options were to be tried over the next 25 years.
Harry Newcombe retired as headmaster in 1954. He had managed to gain the school a good reputation as a classical grammar school. The Local Education Authority issued a Statutory Notice on 21st September 1954 to set up a multilateral school of 850, the first stage of which would be the amalgamation of the Boys' and Girls' Grammar Schools. Between 1954 and 1956 plans were laid by the authority for an enlarged mixed grammar school and finally provided for a school of 510 pupils with a 60 pupil sixth form.
The new school on the Old Hereford Road site was to be the first phase of the multilateral school, the present Upper school. It was to have an assembly hall, a gym and three floors of classrooms and practical rooms. Building was only begun in 1960 and so the school was not opened until 1963. It was to be made up of a total of 448 pupils from , the Girls' Intermediate High School, St. John's Private school an the Convent school.
The transition from mixed grammar to comprehensive school was carried out under the headmaster, Russell Edwards. This involved the building of a new school adjoining the grammar school on the Pen-y-pound site. It also involved the incorporation of Grofield Secondary Modern School which had been established in 1947. Until the new building was completed in 1972 this required the juggling of both staff and pupils between the different sites. The new comprehensive kept the name of its predecessor. The old grammar school became the Upper School while the new building became the Lower School.
The school with a planned population of 850 pupils when conceived in the 1940s had a peak population of 1825 pupils in 1983. The school saw a sharp decline in numbers over the course of the 1980s, with 1200 pupils in 1990. Pupil numbers have remained broadly consistent over the following two decades.
The school originally had two houses Oppidan and Rustican, from the Latin for Town and Country. As the school grew, a new house structure was created based on four of 's wives: Aragon (), Howard (), Parr () and Seymour (). These houses continue to compete at the annual
and at sporting occasions.
The known headmasters at the school since its founding are as follows:
1542 Richard Oldsworthy
c.1626 Morgan Lewis
c.1631 Morris Hughes
Henry Vaughan
John Cragge
Thomas Franklyn
1663 Nicholas Billingsley
Richard Lucas
Henry Rogers
Morgan Lewis
Thomas Watkins
William Parry
William Thomas
William Morgan
Edmund Sandford
John George
Charles Powell
John Hughes
John Llewellyn
c.1821 Thomas Williams
Charles Hand
Aaron Rogers
Jenkin Hughes
James Jones
James Gabb
Henry Peake
James Webber
Headland Sifton
Harry Newcombe
Thomas Edwards
Harold Sharpe
Gilmour Isaac
1968 Leonard Porter
Russell Edwards
c.1985 Derek Fisher
Gareth Barker
2009- Nicholas Oaten
The school has been placed in Band 3, with a score of 28 assessed on its performance in the academic year 2010-11.
This compares favourably with the other secondary schools in Monmouthshire:
- 28 (Band 3)
- 29.5 (Band 3)
- 38.5 (Band 5)
The nearby
was also placed in Band 3 with a score of 28.
Respecting tradition, embracing the future
As seen in the table to the right, the school is associated with two separate mottos. For many centuries the school's motto had been 'that we shall be of service' (Latin: Ut Prosim), but it was decided that, for the sake of change, a new motto should be created.
Nelmes (1992), p. 3
Bibliography
. "A Brief History". A Pictorial History of King Henry VIII School –.  .
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Cookies help us deliver our services. By using our services, you agree to our use of cookies.King Henry V
: ACT IV : Scene VII. by William Shakespeare @ Classic Reader
part of the field
FLUELLEN and GOWER
Kill the poys and the luggage! 'Tis expressly against the
'tis as arrant a piece of knavery, mark you now, as
in your conscience, now, is it not?
'Tis certain there's
and the cowardly
rascals that ran from the battle ha'
besides, they have burned and carried away all that was in the
King' wherefore the King most worthily hath caus'd every
soldier to cut his prisoner's throat. O, 'tis a gallant King!
Ay, he was porn at Monmouth, Captain Gower. What call you
the town's name where Alexander the Pig was born?
Alexander the Great.
Why, I pray you, is not 'pig' great? The pig, or great,
or the mighty, or the huge, or the magnanimous, are all one
reckonings, save the phrase is a little variations.
I think Alexander the Great was born in M his father
was called Philip of Macedon, as I take it.
I think it is in Macedon where Alexander is porn. I tell
you, Captain, if you look in the maps of the 'orld, I warrant you
sall find, in the comparisons between Macedon and Monmouth, that
the situations, look you, is both alike. There is a river in
M and there is also moreover a river at M it is
call'd Wye at Monmouth, but it is out of my prains what is the
nam but 'tis all one, 'tis alike as my
fingers is to my fingers, and there is salmons in both. If you
mark Alexander's life well, Harry of Monmouth's life is come
after for there is figures in all things.
Alexander- God knows, and you know- in his rages, and his furies,
and his wraths, and his cholers, and his moods, and his
displeasures, and his indignations, and also being a little
intoxicates in his prains, did, in his ales and his angers, look
you, kill his best friend, Cleitus.
Our king is not like him in that: he never kill'd any of his
It is not well done, mark you now, to take the tales out
of my mouth ere it is made and finished. I speak but in the
figures a as Alexander kill'd his friend
Cleitus, being in his ales and his cups, so also Harry Monmouth,
being in his right wits and his good judgments, turn'd away the
fat knight with the he was full of jests,
and gipes, and knaveries, I have forgot his name.
Sir John Falstaff.
That is he. I'll tell you there is good men porn at
Here comes his Majesty.
Enter the KING, WARWICK, GLOUCESTER,
EXETER, and others, with prisoners. Flourish
I was not angry since I came to France
Until this instant. Take a trumpet, herald,
Ride thou unto the h
If they will fight with us, bid them come down
O they do offend our sight.
If they'll do neither, we will come to them
And make them skirr away as swift as stones
Enforced from the old A
Besides, we'll cut the throats of those we have,
And not a man of them that we shall take
Shall taste our mercy. Go and tell them so.
Here comes the herald of the French, my liege.
His eyes are humbler than they us'd to be.
How now! What means this, herald? know'st thou not
That I have fin'd these bones of mine for ransom?
Com'st thou again for ransom?
No, great K
I come to thee for charitable licence,
That we may wander o'er this bloody field
To book our dead, a
To sort our nobles
For many of our princes- woe the while!-
Lie drown'd and soak'
So do our vulgar drench their peasant limbs
I and their wounded steeds
Fret fetlock deep in gore, and with wild rage
Yerk out their armed heels at their dead masters,
Killing them twice. O, give us leave, great King,
To view the field in safety, and dispose
Of their dead bodies!
I tell thee truly, herald,
I know not if t
For yet a many of your horsemen peer
And gallop o'er the field.
The day is yours.
Praised be God, and not our strength, for it!
What is this castle call'd that stands hard by?
They call it Agincourt.
Then call we this the field of Agincourt,
Fought on the day of Crispin Crispianus.
Your grandfather of famous memory, an't please your
Majesty, and your great-uncle Edward the Plack Prince of Wales,
as I have read in the chronicles, fought a most prave pattle here
in France.
They did, Fluellen.
Your Ma if your Majesties is
rememb'red of it, the Welshmen did good service in garden where
leeks did grow, wearing leeks in their M which your
Majesty know to this hour is an honourable
and I do believe your Majesty takes no scorn to wear the leek
upon Saint Tavy's day.
I wear it fo
For I am Welsh, you know, good countryman.
All the water in Wye cannot wash your Majesty's Welsh
plood out of your pody, I can tell you that. Got pless it and
preserve it as long as it pleases his Grace and his Majesty too!
Thanks, good my countryman.
By Jeshu, I am your Majesty's countryman, care not who
I will confess it to all the 'orld: I need not be
asham'd of your Majesty, praised be Got, so long as your Majesty
is an honest man.
God keep me so! Our heralds go with him:
Bring me just notice of the numbers dead
On both our parts. Call yonder fellow hither.
heralds with MONTJOY
Soldier, you must come to the King.
Soldier, why wear'st thou that glove in thy cap?
An't please your Majesty, 'tis the gage of one that I
should fight withal, if he be alive.
An Englishman?
An't please your Majesty, a rascal that swagger'd with me
who, if 'a live and ever dare to challenge this
glove, I have sworn to take him a box o' th' or if I can see
my glove in his cap- which he swore, as he was a soldier, he
would wear if alive- I will strike it out soundly.
What think you, Captain Fluellen, is it fit this
soldier keep his oath?
He is a craven and a villain else, an't please your
Majesty, in my conscience.
It may be his enemy is a gentlemen of great sort, quite
from the answer of his degree.
Though he be as good a gentleman as the Devil is, as
Lucifier and Belzebub himself, it is necessary, look your Grace,
that he keep
if he be perjur'd, see you
now, his reputation is as arrant a villain and a Jacksauce as
ever his black shoe trod upon God's ground and his earth, in my
conscience, la.
Then keep thy vow, sirrah, when thou meet'st the
So I Will, my liege, as I live.
Who serv'st thou under?
Under Captain Gower, my liege.
Gower is a good captain, and is good knowledge and
literatured in the wars.
Call him hither to me, soldier.
I will, my liege.
Here, F wear thou this favour for me, and stick
when Alencon and myself were down together, I
pluck'd this glove from his helm. If any man challenge this, he
is a friend to Alencon and an if thou
encounter any such, apprehend him, an thou dost me love.
Your Grace does me as great honours as can be desir'd in
the hearts of his subjects. I would fain see the man that has but
two legs that shall find himself aggrief'd at this glove, that is
but I would fain see it once, an please God of his grace
that I might see.
Know'st thou Gower?
He is my dear friend, an please you.
Pray thee, go seek him, and bring him to my tent.
I will fetch him.
My Lord of Warwick and my brother Gloucester,
Follow Fluellen
The glove which I have given him for a favour
May haply purchase him a box o' th' ear.
It is the soldier's: I, by bargain, should
Wear it myself. Follow, good cousin W
If that the soldier strike him, as I judge
By his blunt bearing he will keep his word,
Some sudden misc
For I do know Fluellen valiant,
And touch'd with choler, hot as gunpowder,
And quickly w
Follow, and see there be no harm between them.
Go you with me, uncle of Exeter.